mardi, novembre 22, 2005

Yehuda Natan ben Moshe Mordechai

I look at all that I am, the human a compilation of experiences unique because with my mind, my soul, my experiences these all sum to who I am. If I had an identical twin who did the same things and went the same places, it still would be different, right? So when people look at the person within, is hat person's soul and mind a product of the genes? It is as if you begin with a certain thing, but that everything you do from here on out will change and affect that initial being. A parent could do the exact same thing to two children, but the two children will absorb it differently. In some ways, it amazes me that if people are so complex -- how could we ever contemplate that it would ever be possible to make generalizations? yet somehow in the human experience generalizations are possible and quite commonly so.

When I think of Yehuda I think of how special he was. Unique, indeed. I think of how particular his quirks were. I might think of his preference for hotdogs, chicken breast, and anything without sauces or particular flavors. This is hardly unique, though. So going on... I think of his "tornado dance" or of his Stetson. I think of the kriat yam suf Purim costume and of the wacko hallel. I think, too, of how he gave so much of himself to people he met and saw. When I think of how powerful his presence both positive and negative could be... People talk about how selfless he was. ...and I realize how much it took to hold the negative within to keep it from ever touching or affecting anyone else's life. I contemplate how much loathing he had to hold inside to go there... and believe that that meant he had no one with whom to share that negativity, being always required to be positive and giving. No one allowed him the right to be both the negative and the positive. So he turned it inwards entirely. Looking at that, what must he have thought or seen of himself? How skewed a picture could that have been? I can only flip through the pages of the worn file in my dusty lair as I review to myself this picture. I -almost heretically- think to myself: a selfless person has other things behind the selflessness... perhaps it is a sense that he hasn't got the worth to demand from others what he gives to them? perhaps he has learned so much not to ask, because his heart is so big he sees other people's needs as being so important, so much more necessary before his own... not out of ill-will to himself, but out of love for others? who knows... the list could be endless...

In the end I think also of how specifically he was unique because his family, his friends, his lifestyle, his schooling, his sensitivity, and his hopes and dreams... He wanted people to see him and love him, maybe just the same as anyone and maybe only the way he could.

Sometimes when I think of how unique each person is I look at social science fields and I want to throw them all in the trash and tell people to just stop.. stop it all.. stop the psychology, stop the sociology, stop that stuff, but other times I know too how those fields are valuable to us as a whole... even if it pains me how thpse fieldscan encourage society to make every person a generality and to see people moving en masse instead... but then I think of it in the same manner that I assess light, photons individually trave;, but I assess them as a statistically relevant sampling ... particles moving as an emsemble, but not those assessed as individuals can be described... (biologists know nothing of this type of thing, so they can scoff much more readily at the softer sciences), but if I were to be completely honest.. well, I am not sure I could scoff so.. and not be hypocritical at least... because I would have to say that I see there is some point to the generalizations. Indeed I do.

Yehuda was a ray of light. He was able to carry beauty with him. Whatever was in his mind... and I surely do not know... I know that he touched my life with beauty and grace. His ability to love another human being was precious... rare no matter who your associates are. I know I see precious little of that in the people I have encountered thusfar in life.