communicating oneself

There is inherently such a deep and almost terrifying inability to express oneself truly to another human. So often I encounter someone who just wishes that another person could see them in thei entirety... the complete piece of art. Rather like writing and art, the creation of the thing is important as an act in itself and then the absorption by the reader/viewer is a different act quite separate from the creative process. People are rarely able to see and to understand what another person wrote , emant or thinks no matter what you write or how well you write it. I for one often write as if I'm delivering a novel or a story. Others write in a very concise and pointblank nothing but a particular level of facts is presented. Still others present writing as a means of simply conveying information, without any attention to details or notices regarding what the experience is of taking in a certain experience. Sharing the totality of who I am with someone else, but not just not having the words to do so... rather that no words could do so. I look at my life and see how many layers there are... and I wonder if there are so many layers to all the other people I meet and see. The human experience is so vast that it is really unfathomable what another human experiences or goes through in their lives.

Take this for example: If I were to talk about eating lunch, while it is a universal experience, we would also see that each person thinks about food in a different way. Most of my friends accept that eating a meal for me is a primarily social activity. I eat well if I've got company and eat a mousey amount if I'm trying to work or read at the same time. I clean my apartment obsessively, when I've a roommate and barely clean at all when I live alone. Sigh. Amanda, you've got to move back! :) So it's been mentioned to me many a time that I shouldn't care much at all what other peoplethink and be rather the best company for myself.. I find that this is generally true.. I do rather prefer my own company best of all, but then if I keep my own company I need certain things to be available and easy to do.

At first glance this seems rather inane. I'm a silly cat who likes human company to motivate me to do things. perhaps I feel some lack when others aren't around. It might make more sense to clean obessively when others are not around... so as to make there be more order in the world and feel better about being alone. Now, here's a question... do these actions and comments communicate more than one's inclination to clean, move, or whatever?

People often say "you should just know that about me" and assume that communication comes through more than just plain verbalizations. Yet so much can be done with verbalizations. I know that it is possible to soothe another person's heart by teling them that they are loved. In subtle ways, it can make them feel more willing to be kinder to themselves. words are so powerful, but they are still so limited and limiting. It is then, so much more important to realize that walking the songlines for ones life one shares bits and pieces but never can share the whole thing. so one has to begin at an early age filtering what people can hear, read, or know... but many of us never learn that. Myself included, beause other people won't know what we think a word means or how its connotations are... or even our intentions in writing what we write or saying what we say.

Joining another human -be it in a friendship, in a relationship, in a marriage- there is so much inexpressable stuff there. We grasp at this idea of the soulmate in our hopes that we can find someone who will transcend our human limitations and know so much more about us. Perhaps we fool ourselves a little bit... and perhaps we do silly things, because we want to reach that utopian connection with another being. Likely, we end up learning over time our own selves and maybe the key is that over time we learn to be our own connection between the hiddden to the revealed self. Perhaps the best and most effective communication is when a person can communicate and do the right thing for his own internal needs and desires.