vendredi, décembre 03, 2004

shmuel bet and malachim aleph

I go off on these tangents where I'll read Tanach and try to dig out more meaning for life and for death. That bit is good for me, because it begins to tap into my innate desire to know more. So I've been reading malachim and I got upset that the former advisor of David Hamelekh turns to Avshalom and then when his advice isn't heeded, commits suicide. I'm not ready to read the commentary on that yet, but someday when I do, I hope that there are some decent explanations. I've always thought that in a way the Torah teaches us with how much is left unwritten that rarely do we record the whole story, what I find interesting is that the goodness or greatness of a person -their heart -humanity, I suppose is a better word- is captured in the Torah's subtext, but not on a surface level reading.

The usual explanations about how Hashem works to make what has to happen happen and this is why sometimes good people do bad things or why bad things happen to good people, though I personally don't think people are all good or all bad, are things I've read before. I wonder about the connection of the multi-colored coat between Yosef and Tamar daughter of David Hamelekh. Maybe it really does mean that to grow, one really does have to have experienced suffering. That each person has a choice, to grow or to refuse. More than that though, I guess the layer that I read which gives me a look into how things comes together for Hashem's plan was interesting, not startlingly so, but still worth a bit of mullingover. If everything you do has a ramification (each person you talk to, each person you slight, each person you smile at, etc.) and no human can be totally aware of all the ramifications and actions that echo through humanity because of his or her own actions, then each person really is in a bit of a losing position. You see that Amnon has this terrible desire and that Yonadav? is a terrible friend in his urging Amnon to act out, but often we let people act out, because we figure on power structures, or self-reliance, etc. to hold things together. In the end Amnon dies and so does Avshalom and Shlomo's kingship is solidified as it should be. Did Tamar's suffering have to be the root of it? What underlying meaning is ascribed to the fact that she, like Joseph, has this beautiful garment? What man raises up, Gd brings down? but to His own end? Each moment we lose our good judgement -does that mean we act in Hashem's plan? I would say yes. Then, too, each time we are human -as Avshalom was being angry at both Amnon for his crime and David for not doing anything, as Amnon was for his crime, and as Tamar was for her innocent beguiling ways and her naivete -do we fall into places set into Hashem's plan? Yes, I think so. How humbling and how terrifying!

Add on, no more mention of the poor men, some good and some bad, advisors to a king or generals to fight for him, who kill themselves over their lost honor and fame. Why not? Is there not also here a psychotic break to investigate? To what end in that plan did they die? Those suicides also go one by one into the psyche of the land and the people. Probably they influence people to go with one leader or another, perhaps they destroy someone's faith so that later on that person or their progeny go easily to worship ashteroth or whomever the next avoda zara of the moment was. What a complex puzzle humanity is. Perhaps it is wisest to admire and be amazaed at the great creation that mankind is.

No one can control every action to make for the best possible outcome beyond the little scope we've got in our minds during our daily actions. The growth is a bracha... I had a Teimani teacher once who told me that when you stop suffering, Hashem has given up on you. As long as you have troubles of some kind, you are still worthy of Hashem's attention, because you have nisayonim set before you to make you grow and achieve greater and greater heights in your avodat Hashem. I believe that on some very deep internal level, but on another level -in the more practical, gotta live my life every day level, I'm not sure whether one can say that and not feel some anger at Hashem for making this world so cockaninny strange.